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What happened when the chef got his hand caught in the dishwasher?
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I’m a virgin
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Me too!
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this next one is long, but soo worth it
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I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to shit yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chilies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chilies fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an orange aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .........BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch! , did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his apron up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store
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Omg who is going to read all of that lemme guess you shitted your pants ?
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It got washed up idk lol
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do what I do, buy a mirror
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Why do I have to throw up in a bag ?
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A Chinese guy and a Jewish guy were talking and the Jewish guy asked "how do you feel about your people bombing Pearl Harbor?" Chinese guy says "That was the Japanese"..Jewish guy says "Chinese Japanese Vietnamese ,you're all the same to me"...Chinese guy says "Oh yeah well how do you feel about your people sinking the Titanic?"...Jewish guy say,"what hell are you talking about? That was an Iceberg"..Chinese guy says..."Iceberg Goldberg Greenberg, you're all the same to me."
Hope the P.C. Squad don't get their panties in a bunch...It's a joke.
It's an old joke but a favorite.
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A man is checking into a hotel with his family. As he finishes up with the registration he leans in and whispers to the clerk "I assume the porn is disabled..." The clerks says "No sir, it's just regular porn."
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A businessman is walking to lunch when he notices a large crowd. As he gets closer he sees that it's the Pope and he watches as a bum approaches His Holiness. The Pope sees the bum and he puts his hands up toward the sky and then motions the bum over. He bends down and puts his arms around the bum and whispers something into his ear. The bum walks off. The businessman makes his way to the bum and says "I'll give you $50 to swap clothes with me." The bum agrees and they swap clothes in an alley. The business man makes his way to the front of the crowd and the Pope notices him. The Pope puts his hands to the sky and then gestures for the man to approach. The Pope leans over, hugs the man and whispers in his ear "I thought I told you to get the fuck out of here."
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Asian agencies use real pictures.
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On the day that Adam & Eve could nolonger fight temptation and "Ate the Apple", God came down to earth and found Adam sitting under a tree smoking some dried weeds he had found. 
God said to Adam, "Well I wish that you could have resisted temptation a bit longer, but I knew you two couldn't hold out forever. So how was it?"
Adam replied, "It was FANTASTIC! The feeling I got when my eyes went blury was unbelievable! I can't believe that you wouldn't tell us about this sooner! I can't wait to do it again and again!"
God said, "Yes I had to make it feel that good so you and Eve will have something good to make up with after you have an arguement."
Adam said, "Wow! Thats a Great Idea! You think of everything! Thank you very much!"
God said, " Your welcome... By the way, where's Eve?"
Adam replied, "Oh, she just went down to the river to clean herself up..."
God puts his hand on his forhead and tilts his head back and says, "Oh NO!... I'm Never going to get the smell out of those fish!" ).gif)
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A man and his wife were having an argument about their sex life. The wife berated her husband for his shortcomings.
“I had a dream last night,” she said. “I was at a dick auction. And there were all kinds of dicks. There were long, hard, porn-star dicks that went for a hundred dollars. There were average dicks that sold for about ten dollars. And there were puny little dicks that went for a quarter.”
“Well, where was my dick?” the husband asked.
“They didn’t even let your dick in the door!” she mocked.
“Is that so?” replied the husband. “Well, it just so happens that I had a dream last night too. And I was at a pussy auction. There were tight, hot, wet, young porn-star pussies that went for a hundred dollars. There were average pussies that sold for about ten dollars. And there were loose, sloppy, worn-out pussies that went for a quarter.”
And where was my pussy?” demanded the wife.
“The auction was HELD in your pussy.”
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Q: What's the difference between a casino and a cathouse?
A: In a casino, you WANT loose slots.
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