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My friend put J.K. Dobbins as his keeper player this year!
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You’re so hot your pics got me feeling like we are in math class.
Everything is hard
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Laugh out loud^
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what does a burnt pizza a drowning person and a pregnant women have in common?
someone forgot to pull out
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what did the egg say to the boiling water?
sorry it's gunna take me a while to get hard,i just got out of that chick.
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If I had one dollar for every gender there is,
I’d have two dollars, and a bunch of counterfeits.
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After returning home from their honeymoon, the husband notices a photo of a man on his new wife's bedside table. At first, he really doesn't give it much though. But after a month or so he begins to stress about it. It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask about it.
"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no," she answers.
"Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery"
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I’m sitting at jwa laughing my ass off out loud and everyone is wondering why lol
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Omg I’m gonna get in trouble lol
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Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court
The judge looks at the papers and says to Mickey,
"So it says here that you are filing for divorce on the grounds that your wife is mentally insane. Is that true?"
"I didn't say she was insane!" exclaims Mickey, "I said she was fking Goofy!"
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Guy comes home and finds his wife packing.
"Where are you going?", he says.
"I'm moving to Vegas," she says. "I just found out that I can get $250 for what I give you for free!"
He starts packing too.
She says, "Where are you going?"
"Vegas," he says. "I want to see how you'll live off of $500 a year!"
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Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence, but I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing a skimpy halter top and tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
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A very self-important college freshman at a recent USC football game
took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it
was impossible for the older generation to understand his own. "You
grew up in a different, actually almost primitive, world," the student
said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "We young people today
grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the
moon; our spaceships have visited Mars... We even have Nuclear* *
Energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing..... And uh."
.....taking advantage of a pause for breath in the student's litany,
the "wizened" one said,
"You're right, Son We didn't have those things when we were
young...so we invented them.. You arrogant little ****head!!
Now....what are you doing for the next generation??
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Ohhh kaaay..this might be the thread killer..sorry 😬..
A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air,
pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, "In Mexico our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."
An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we
don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
The Colorado boy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it,
throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the
Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass.
He says, "In America we have so many illegal Aliens that we don't
have to drink with the same ones twice."
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In B4 LOCK!
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed
that
the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself
into
all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.
Applications
such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and
Racing 3.6
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to
run my
favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0,
but
the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
___________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it
is
just a Utilities and Entertainment pro gram. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING
SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also
impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is
impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system
once
installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to
not
allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child
Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the
situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear"
to
alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the
system
will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as
Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs . Improper use
will
cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens,
the
only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase
additional
software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With
Short
Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of Luck,
Tech Support
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Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office but she belonged to someone else.
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said: "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you" but the girl said "NO".
Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up".
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, and he won't even be able to get his pants down". So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to
call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what
happened.
She said "The Son of a Bitch used coins".
Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed
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Moar..?
Or..
Please..just sthop..?
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Okay..the “moar’s” have it..
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the
TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna
start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a
beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer
before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop
your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run
around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash
and iron all day long??"
The husband sighed. "Oh ****, it's started".
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An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally, they
decided it might be time for marriage. But before tying the knot,
they went out for a heart to heart talk over dinner about whether it
would really work out.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on.
Then the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked.
"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say that I
would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his
glasses, he casually asked: "Was that one word or two?"
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Before you go go
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There is n two minute drill in sex…😆🏴☠️
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A man and his wife were having an argument, during the course of which the wife began to belittle his manly endowment.
“I had a dream last night,” she said. “I dreamed I was at a dick auction. And there were all kinds of dicks. There were long, hard porn-star dicks that sold for $500. There were ordinary dicks that sold for $50. And there were limp, short, shriveled dicks that sold for fifty cents. And you know where your dick was?”
“Where?” he said.
“They didn’t even let your dick in the door!”
The husband looked at her and replied, “Well, as it so happens, I had a dream last night too. I dreamed I was at a pussy auction. And there were all kinds of pussies. There were tight, hot porn-star pussies that sold for $500. There were ordinary pussies that sold for $50. And there were loose, sloppy, dry pussies that sold for fifty cents.”
“And where was MY pussy?” the wife demanded.
“The auction was HELD in your pussy.”
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Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!! I can’t laugh anymore!!!! Lmao 🤣 hahaha
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You guys are the best!
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@IMNventir-your joke reminds me of a brutal copypasta of old..
I never bought any of that "size matters" crap until my junior year in college. I lived in the dorms with two roommates, David and John. David was a pretty ordinary looking guy, kinda quiet - but John was tall, lean, muscular and (according to him anyway) was hung like a bull. He used to joke about it a lot - even around my girlfriend, Amy. Amy was a sophomore and was petite, shy and somewhat quiet. I didn't like it when John would make his "big dick" comments and jokes around Amy, but she told me she didn't pay any attention to him and truth be told, she really couldn't stand John.
I have a 5.5" dick and with Amy being so petite, it always seemed to do the trick. I was only the third guy she'd ever been with and only her second boyfriend - maybe my guard was just down but who knows.
Anyway, one Friday night, Amy and I were hanging out in my dorm room drinking, smoking some weed and watching TV. David and John had both gone home for the weekend - or so we thought. At about 1AM (Amy and I were pretty toasted by then), John walked in. He'd ended up hanging out with some of his friends off campus and had decided to just drive home in the morning since his parents only lived about an hour and a half away. He could see that Amy and I were both pretty hammered. He grabbed a beer and sat down and we smoked somem more weed with him. Amy was pretty drunk and started giving John shit. John seemed to get a kick out of it and I could see him kinda flirting with Amy. Then I noticed (and hoped that Amy wouldn't) that John wasn't wearing any underwear.
But Amy started massaging my dick through my jeans and being so fucked up, I just laid my head back and enjoyed it - I couldn't believe she was doing that right in front of John! I heard John get up to pass Amy the joint we were smoking and I heard her gasp, long and deep and she suddenly stopped stroking my dick. I opened my eyes and saw John standing righ tin front of Amy with a HUGE fucking bulge in his pants - just inches from her face. The room was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop. He just stood there and I could feel her hand tremble and hear her breathing quicken. when she slowly looked up at him, almost in awe and respect, I could feel my heart start to pound in my chest. Then she softly whispered "ohhhhhhhhhhh" as she gingerly reached up to brush her finger tips across that massive knot in his pants. When she touched it, it throbbed - shit I could see it throb thorugh his pants - Amy just gasped again and looked up at him.
"What?" John asked her and just kinda laughed. Amy did NOT laugh. Instead, she softly asked "can i see it?" John stopped laughing, looked at her very seriously and told her to take it out. Amy never even hesitated - or looked back at me for an "OK" - just just obeyed him and began to open his jeans. I coudl see her nipples rock hard under her t-shirt and I could tell she was practically panting.
She opened his jeans and his big thick dick just fell out...and he had NOT been kidding. That cock was strong, thick, heavy and muscular. The head was a big purple mushroom that sat on top of the thickest shaft i'd ever seen. He was semi-hard and was HUGE compared to me. Amy just gasped and kept whispering "ohmygod..ohmygod...ohmygod". When she wrapped her hand around it, her brow just knotted in disbelief and she almost laughed at how thick he was - her fingers couldn't even touch. John just stood there watching my girlfriend worship his magnificent cock. Slowly shaking her head in disbelief, she two-fisted him - one hand next to the other...and there was STILL a few inches left - and he was getting rock hard, too.
Amy smiled and patted the couch next to her and John sat down, his cock standing straight up. Honestly he had to be almost 10" (judging from the size of Amy's hand). I opened my pants and took my own cock out. Amy took my cock in her left hand and John's in her right - but there was little doubt whose cock was getting more attention. She couldn't take her eyes off his cock and her hand only occasionally stroked my dick...but John's she pumped with long, purposeful strokes until she finally couldn't help herself any longer and knelt in front of him, kissing his cock and rubbing it against her soft pale skin.
She sucked his dick until SHE came - just from sucking him! I stroked the whole time until he pulled her toward him, peeled off her pants (she didnt even make the slightest attempt to stop him) and sat her on his lap, her back to his chest - the two of them right next to me. She just rolled her head back to kiss him as he squeezed her tits through her shirt. Her hands went down and pushed that big cock against her pussy and she groaned so loud when it touched her that I thought people outside would hear.
John's dick was so fucking big that he easily penetrated her from behind with her sitting on his lap. She arched up so she could take as much of it as she could and they started to fuck right there next to me. It shocked me how easily her petite little body accomodated that horse cock of his. John pounded her in positions that i physically CANNOT do for over an hour - I have no idea how many times she came - she was even in tears a few times (though she never once told him to stop).
He asked her if she was on the pill and when she said she was on the patch, he told her that he was going to cum inside of her to mark her - which only made her cum again! when he finally came, he had Amy on her back, her legs shaking violently as they both came together - and true to his word, John dumped his seed deep up inside my girlfriend's pussy right in front of me. But shit - he didn't even lose his damn hard on! They fucked for about another 40 minutes and he came twice more. Amy was a wreck by the time we all went to bed.
I will never forget the look on her face - like she was afraid of him and in love with him all at once - the whole time they fucked. She later told me that there were no words to describe it - it was incredible but even that didn't seem enough. To my knowledge they never fucked again and Amy and I dated for about another year before we finally broke up. I always wondered if she ended up with him or some other big dick guy. But one thing I know for sure - she NEVER fucked me like she did John and the things she said about John - the way she looked at him - and the way she was around him after that night (almost shy and meek) convinced me that a big dick makes a difference.
Amy told me that she "HAD to respect him" even if she didn't like him...and that she almost felt like he "had a right to her". So there ya go.
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Phoney. Balogna lol
I read the whole thing thinking it was gonna be funny and it was a fairy tale instead
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Sorry mister Davis no offense
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Lol, none taken. It’s just a brutal tale of a dude with a small..
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@ The wicked witch...310-350-3908
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^ tf?
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Oops my bad but fr
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How about pmme
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Good afternoon
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A lonely, 6-8 ex-hoops player goes to a party one night. As usual, he gets bored and goes to sit by himself on the couch as no one was talking to him and he felt he had nothing in common with anyone at the party.
In walks this gorgeous blond 6-2. She walks right over to the couch and sits down. Turns out they both played college hoops and they really hit it off the rest of the party. As it was time to leave he asks for her phone number, and to his surprise she gives it to him!
The next day Mr. B-ball calls the lovely lady and asks her out the following weekend. Again, to his surprise she says YES!
The following weekend they go out. He wants this real bad so he gets dressed to impress and takes her to the best restaurant in town. They have a GREAT time and he asks her back to his place for a night cap. Again, she says YES!
Well, on the couch back at his high rise pad one thing leads to another and they start making out. Next thing you know they start grabbing at each other's clothes. Just as they are almost nekkid, he jumps up. He tells her he really likes her and before they go any further, he wants her to know he has a dick the size of an eight year old child.
She gasps as she cannot believe this very tall man is so small! She puts her thumb and forefinger an inch apart and says to him, "Oh My God, you mean the size of an eight year old child??"
He gets up off the couch and puts his hand parallel to the floor, about waist high and proclaims with a smile, "No, I mean the SIZE of an eight year old child."
And so the rest off the night went.
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| There are 34 comments on this blog. |
