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A son walks up to his dad an asks “dad can I have $50 for a blow job”? The father replies “I don’t know son are you any good’?
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 that was good. points on the way!
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A man gets home after work and finds his girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman. She says, “You ́re being arrested under suspicion of being good in bed”.
Two minutes later, she is getting dressed again. The man asks her “will you take me to jail, officer?”
The woman sighs and says, “No. All your charges are dropped due to lack of evidence”.
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What do you call a book club stuck on the same book for years?
Church.
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THX for the points babe😊
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Banginbecca im sending your points over now
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you're welcome gonzo  Thanks for playing along!
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Thanks for the points Beautiful. Glad I could make you smile!😘
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Hey Kitty.
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?
He pasta-way.
LOhhL. ).gif)
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A Tijuana man has never been to a pro baseball game
so he sneaks over the border to head to the Padres game but it was sold out
so he see a flag pole climbs it and watches the game
he head back to Tijuana and all his friends want to now how was the game
he tells them it was sold out and he had to climb the flag pole to watch
and says it was the best experience of his life they ask why
the people were so nice he says they kept saying
Jose can you see
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How is Amercian beer like having sex in a canoe?
It's fucking close to water...
Have a nice weekend everybody!
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Gonzo still the winner. Quick, and OMG factor!
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how do you surprise a blind girl… Leave the plunger in the toilet !!!
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How much does Santa pay for parking?
Nothing. It’s on the house.
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What did Kodak and condoms have in common?
They both captured that special moment.
Cheers!
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If a man masterbates all the time then becomes addicted to sex is it fair to say his addiction got out of hand?! �
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What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick!
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Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referees were blowing fowls.
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What does a Polish bride get on her wedding night that's long and hard?
A new last name
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On the sixth day God was cruising through the Garden of Eden when he ran into Adam and Eve.
“What’s up God?”, asked Adam.
“I’m putting the finishing touches on my creation and I still have a couple things to implement.”, replied God.
“Cool! Whatcha got?”
“First of all I can give one of you the ability to stand while you pee.”
Adam was all over it. “Wow! I gotta have that. I’m totally built for it. Plus I’ll be able to watch over and protect Eve from all these beasts you’ve been creating while I pee!”
God looked over. “What do you think Eve?”
“Sure, let him have it”, she shrugged.
“What else ya got?”, asked Adam.
“Let’s see”, said God as he rummaged through his bag. “Ah yes! Here we go, Multiple orgasms!”
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What do you call a Small Medium at Large ?
A Midget Fortune Teller that just broke out of Jail.
Ok ok, been watching to much Svengoole
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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
Of course, the kids are eager to know what the meat is. They ask their dad for the clue.
“Well,” he says, “It’s what mommy calls me sometimes.”
The little girl screams, “Don’t eat it! It’s a fucking asshole.”
RM
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My girlfriend and I visited Berlin and saw a guy pissing on a wall. “Gross!!”, she said.
The guy answered, “danke”.
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A very sultry and attractive woman made an announcing to her rich older husband, "Honey, I'm pregnant. And I have a confession to make. I had a lot of plastic surgeries done before I met you to look like this, so I'm not sure our baby may look like when it's born". The husband turned to her and said, "I also had some surgeries done before I met you". The wife then asked, "What kind of surgery?". The husband replies, "my nose, and a vasectomy"
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A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
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What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lick-a-lotta-puss.
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A boy walks up to his father and innocently asks "Dad, what's the difference between a cunt and a pussy?
The father responds, "Well son, a pussy is something that you can caress, kiss, and genuinely love. It's beautiful and comforting. It's something that's nice and warm that you can cuddle up to at night.
A cunt, on the other hand, is what it's attached to.
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Why don’t Jews eat pussy……….because it’s to close to the gas chamber
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Hahahaaa @ Fatboy!! You have my vote for that joke.
Though more fact then joke. Reality has its humor.
XoXo, HF1
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What has two thumbs and like to get its duck sucked?
This guy 👍🏻
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They say make up sex is the best…
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.
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A traveling shoe salesman goes into a brothel and explains he doesn’t have money to see a lady but would happily trade a brand new pair of Air Jordan basketball shoes worth $900 for a 1-hour session. The madame doesn’t want any of her girls to have to cut such a deal so she agrees to take him upstairs herself. But she warns him that she doesn’t have any use for basketball shoes and he should not expect her to get into it during their session.
They get down to business and before long he feels her wrap one leg around his waist. A moment later her other leg goes around his waist and then she wraps her arms around his shoulders. He smiles as he looks down into her eyes and says with a little swagger in his voice and says, “I thought you weren’t going to get into it,” proud of his sexual prowess.
She looks up and says, “What? I’m trying on the shoes.”
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Did you hear about the guy that ate his daughter’s feet?
He didn’t know his wife was pregnant!!!
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If a midget smokes some weed ,
does he get high , or only medium?
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2 Blondes walk into a bar .
The Brunette ducks .
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Why don’t women in San Francisco wear a mini skirts?
Their balls hang out …
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Mickey and Minnie Mouse are seeing a relationship counselor. The counselor has heard Mickey's story but is confused and asks, "So Mickey, you're saying you want to divorce Minnie because she's crazy?" Mickey looks annoyed, "No! I said she was fucking goofy!"
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What does Tofu and a Vibrator Have in common?
They are both meat substitutes
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Pick up line at a bar:
Guy goes up to a girl in a bar: " Hey, want to play Pearl Harbor with me?"
Girl: "Never played?"
Guy:" Its easy, I lay back and you blow the hell out of me"
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Another pick up line:
"Fuck me if I am wrong, isn't your name, Yolanda?"
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God made earth then rested.
God made man then rested.
God made woman, since then nobodies rested.
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A man wishes to date a beautiful woman but she tells him
“I only will date a man who has a million dollars,
A Ferrari, and a 10 inch cock”.
He comes back two weeks later and says
“ I have a Ferrari in my garage, a million dollars in my bank,
And the doctor says he will cut my cock down to any size you want!”
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"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."
A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?" The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."
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Two deer walk out of a gay bar.
One says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew fifty bucks in there.”
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Neil is a skilled truck driver and drives the freeway every day. But Neil wouldn't be Neil were it that he sings a song every five minutes: "I'm Neil and I fuck behind the wheel".
And he sings this every five minutes.
At one point, Neil sees a nun hitchhiking along the highway. Neil has a good heart and naturally stops to pick up the nun. But after five minutes of driving, Neil realizes that he could get in trouble if he starts singing his song again.
Anyway, after some thinking, Neil starts whistling the song instead of singing the lyrics. After whistling the song three times, the nun says: "Wow, that's a nice tune. Are there no lyrics for it?" "Yes" says Neil "but it's rather vulgar and I don't want to shock you as a nun". "But that's nothing" says the nun "we live in modern times and we can already take a punch, you know".
No sooner said than done, Neil starts singing his song again: "I am Neil and I fuck behind the wheel".
The nun, really amused by the song, asks Neil if this is really so. Neil immediately confirms this and the nun proposes to try it out on a parking lot. Neil of course immediately agrees. But the nun first sets a condition: "You have to catch me from behind, because we are checked every month and I wouldn't want to have any problems". "No worries" says Neil and they follow the rules.
After the full event they leave again and of course after 5 minutes Neil sings his song again: "I'm Neil and I fuck behind the wheel".
The nun can't hold back and immediately afterward begins to sing as well "I'm John and like to dress up as a nun".
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A bear and a rabbit are in the woods taking a shit.
The bear says to the rabbit "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur"?The rabbit replies"No I do not",So the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his ass.
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Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court.
The judge says, "Let me see if I have this right Mr. Mouse. You are suing your wife Minnie for divorce on the grounds of mental incompetency, is that right?"
Mickey responds, "No, no, no your honor, I said she was fucking Goofey!
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Q: What is the WORST thing about eating a vegetable?
A: Putting her back in her Wheelchair!
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Politicians are like diapers. They need to be changed often and for the same reason!
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The awkward 25 year old was worried about being a virgin for the rest of his life. He worked a good job and looked nice enough but he just couldn't make it happen.
So Friday night comes and he cashes his check and goes to his local bar. Sitting at the bar he notices the hottest woman he's ever seen walk into the bar and start working the room. He thinks to himself "That would be a dream but it's never going to happen." and he goes back to beer alone.
As the night progresses the beautiful woman has been all over the bar and she slides up next to our awkward young man. She leans in and say "$200 and I'm yours" all breathy and sexy. Our friend spits his beer out unable to believe what he just heard!
He asks her "Are you talking to me!?!" she licks her lips and says "That's right stud, $200 and I'm yours for the night. I'll do anything you want. So how about it?"
Our friend considers the offer and can't believe his good luck so he says "$200 huh? Anything?"
And she replies in the affirmative and our little buddy says "Paint my house?"
He's still a virgin....
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